"WE CLEAN UGGS"

Big ups to Cyndi Hutchins for reminding me that the poll (at right) is indeed closed after I promoted it on Facebook moments ago with this status:
"interesting: so far, the majority vote on my blog's poll is for me to write an essay on the topic of torture. I'm intrigued by both it, and the interest in it. Go vote if you haven't. It's quick & anonymous (<--that's-what-she-said)."
I may have to hire Cyndi in some capacity.[ Hitch: I too am unemployed.] 
So, the results of the esteemed poll are as follows.The original question was undoubtedly titillating, "What would you be *most* (and I'm hoping most of you understand how I use asterisks...I occasionally use them for their intended purpose, but generally when I bookend a word with an asterisk on each side it's to impart a certain emphasis on the word. I guess it's an idiosyncratic way of highlighting an idiosyncrasy, you dig? you follow?  -- really not a momentous loss on your part if your eyes glazed over for the past few sentences because we'll return now to your regular programming outside of this parenthetical world, where things are far far simpler) interested in me writing an essay about?"

The topics, and the respective percentage of votes they each garnered, below:

The Wisconsin State Sentate debacle...20%

Literature, a subtopic tbd...6%

Torture...26%

YOU...12%

The alligator vs. the crocodile...20%

My business plan for a dog daycare/shelter hybrid...20%

SO, TORTURE IT IS!! I'LL HAVE TO DIG UP (MUAHAHAHAHA, MORBID) AN ESSAY I READ ON IT FROM A CLASS I TOOK ON JOHN MILTON. I REMEMBER THE ESSAY WAS FANTASTIC, BUT ALSO WEIGHED ABOUT AS MUCH AS OCTO-MOM IN HER 3rd TRIMESTER, SO I'D BETTER GET CRACKING. I'LL TRY NOT TO DISAPPOINT YOU KIDS. WHO DOESN'T LOVE A GOOD SPIRITED PIECE ON WATER-BOARDING, ANYWAY. OBVIOUSLY A HIGHLY NUANCED, POLITICIZED, CONTENTIOUS SUBJECT. SHOULD BE INTERESTING TO DELVE MORE DEEPLY INTO.

*  *  *  *  *

The cleaners adjacent to my apartment building boasts many signs, the design, messaging and placement of which are very self-evident in their purpose. To inform you, the casual passersby, that this cleaners is special, has garnered numerous awards, been around many years, and is not only a fixture in Wilmette, but a well-respected, well-run fixture. Two problems: if you've truly been in business for, like, 40 years, how on God's green EARTH are you going to castigate me for my dog's completely indiscriminate, undiscrimi-NAT-ing, purely biologically driven decision to urinate on the side of your sign. Newsflash, skinny, angry proprietor man, I guarantee you that Hugo is not the first to sully your sign--in part? yeah, in part because there are VISIBLE urine marks, tantamount to water marks in a toilet, on your sign sir, and in no small(er) part to the fact that your enormous sign is in fact erected on a huge patch of grass that dog owners frequent. The two points are, I'm sure, not unrelated. Let's not act like Hugo pioneered it, and let's not reinvent the piss wheel.


2nd observation: The conspicuous "WE CLEAN FINE FURS" has been replaced with a placard that reads "WE CLEAN UGGS". I've eyeballed the font to be at about 88. You can't miss it. 
Even if I had the disposable, dispensable income to do things like have my Uggs cleaned, I don't know that I'd be compelled to; I was heedless of the fact that Uggs required cleaning, and I feel especially swarthy in mine considering they've carried me through many a winter.
Nothing but love, cleaners, nothing but neighborly love. ( I had the urge to write "just airing some dirty laundry" here but even I can't tolerate that kind of pique ).

*  *  *  *  *

It sort of troubles, bothers, intrigues, amuses, annoys & preoccupies me that the author of a series of books I'm reading has taken tremendous pains to have her full-body shot (a bit much for a writer, no?), wait, ha, not as in body shots, there's no one snorting salt & pounding Jaeger, but a head to toe portrait of her, placed on the back of each book--hardcover & paperback alike. To belie my 6 years of Barnes & Noble experience & the ensuing (or latent but just reinforced by constant proximity to literature and other nerds) dorkiness and familiarity with publishing lingo, yes, even on the "mass media" sized paperbacks, the smallest, thickest ones you generally purchase, paying whatever Hudson News is demanding to read a story you're barely interested in because Delta's delayed 17 hours. It's not problematic for me that her picture exists. What is so bizarre is that the nature of this detective series is, as far as I can tell, that you're meant ideally to read them in sequence, but it's not required. So, the same descriptions and details of basic characters, their physical traits, relationships to one another, histories, etc, are provided in each book. The weird part is this: her portrait, down to the very style of boot & nail polish color, are modeled after (chicken. egg. i don't know. so weird) that of the protagonist. There's no mistake or coincidence. She's dressed up AS the main character. Odd.

*  *  *  *  *

"LADIES & GENTLEMEN?.....TEXTUAL CHOCOLATE! (new working title for text/intertext/context)":

• "Sometimes we're so street it actually hurts...Thug life."
• "No, really. My toilet's like a wave pool."
• "The cost of your decision will be my displeasure."
• "CARRIE ANN Inaaaaaaaaaaaaa-baaaaaaaaaaaa."
• "C&C Music Factory! Also, the "you're a hooker" applies only if you'd lost my number."
• "He's dated some real trolls."
• "Having like a rave up in here."
• "...Did you two get married today?"
• "Oh. My. Gosh. Guess who Googled me?"
• "For the record I've always done dodgy stuff like that."

Gonna Winehouse this jazz and go back to black font here for the dismount. 

Hey, you wanna know what's fun? Having a 3 month job process end with a summation of how wonderful the candidate they chose over you is...best analogy I can proffer: being invited to (and forced to sit in the front row, mayhaps) your ex-fiance's wedding. Like I'm truly truly glad to know it was a tough race, and the HR director gave me some phenomenal complimentary feedback, but it was a bit tough to hear. Thanks to all of you who encouraged me during the process!! 

Other irons in the fire.

En Fuego, Diego.

(I just realized I had a list of about 5 intended topics for this post--hit none of 'em.)

:-)
*  *  *  *  * 

post script: my kitchen sink's been leaking (terrifically, torrentially at times!) for nearly 5 weeks now...it occurred to me during one of my bail-out sessions, wherein i take the full bucket of water into my bathroom and dump it down my shower drain, watching as a strange mixture of coffee, dirty water, soap & anything else that's made its way into my sink swirls away, that depending on how intense the leak is on a given day, it sounds quite different. a slow trickle. a steady drip. or, my least favorite: when it sounds like a grown man is urinating full force after a 12 hour hibernation. <--it is my hope that someone will stumble onto this blog solely because they had reason to search for the phrase "urinating full force". if you're that someone, hey, welcome!