Vol.2: lists by one most listless

It's red, it's bold and its purpose is to inform you that this periodic lists idea is not entirely my own. I say "entirely"--implying that you as readers infer that it is partially, because I had thought of it for some time. I do it to order my thoughts. Doesn't work too well. It is, however, something Joshua Tate has for some time done in his own blog, and very well at that. He insists he doesn't need the credit for it, but.... Lists. GREAT IDEA!!!!! NOT SOLELY MINE. To be fair, I'm guessing Josh didn't invent them either. Boo yah. I'd say in aggregate, it's a fairly common idea, but one Josh executes better than I. Not that he needs me to say that. His are funnier, more topically consistent and reflective of a much more nimble mind. I may quit blogging altogether now. :-)
Credit. It's due. Here it is.
Wrote a song about it, like to hear it? Here it GO....Free yo' mind & the rest will follow.
Yeshua.
http://www.bummerfreezone.blogspot.com/
He might've invented bicycles too. And cheese. And rain.  And newspapers. And babies.
 I'll check.


I. Another edition of "Actual CNN/Fox News Headlines I Think Read More like Onion Articles"

(after today's batch, I'm thinking of renaming this "headlines I'm incredulous are for realss")
Bear in mind, although I am a bit a news junkie--limited to radio and internet right now, I'm not entirely unlike Bin Laden in my minimalist, vagabond existence, though I usually end up in my own bed,not a cave, when the fightin's done--but these aren't a compilation of a few days' worth of headlines. These are from solely today.
Bear also in mind that I'm aware that the lines between straight journalistic reporting and sensationalism began to blur a few years back--I mark the major change at least temporally as around when People Magazine began to look totally indistinguishable from USWeekly. Citizen journalism is cool, and certainly has its perks in circumventing major news establishments--especially in societies where free speech is limited or altogether quashed: think the heartbreaking story of Iranian Neda, for instance--but sometimes iReports are harder to tolerate than people's personal videos on facebook. I love watching your child turn 1, then, 2, then 3, but at a certain point I may not watch them do that cute thing for 4 minutes and 18 seconds. I might just thumbs up it and move on.

1. "Cloris Leachman: 'I'm So Sick of Betty White' "--Amen, sister.
2. "Family fills dumpster, Uses it as Pool" ----hey, I'm not here to judge your ingenuity, family, I just find the article title charming.
3. "Bill Cosby: Hey, I'm still not dead.'"
4. "Oklahoman Fries Egg on Sidewalk"
5. "Edible pot struggles to Make a Profit"
6. "Wanna Keep Your Man? Let Him Stray"--Good luck with that.
7. "The Girl Crush Defined"
8. "Quick Thinking Woman Uses Toes to Alert Cops"

II. Liquids I've Consumed (Copious Amounts In Most Cases) In Efforts to Combat this "Summer Cold", a term incidentally I was not familiar with until this affliction bested me on Sunday. . . many of you informed me via text, email, facebook, phone, often with wise, knowing murmurs, "Ah yes, a summer cold." Somehow it's taken on mythic proportions in my mind, partly because it's felled me, but it warrants capitalization. Like The Croupe. Or Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

1. "Honest Tea"--get yourself to a grocery or convenience store now! I say this with slight urgency because it's been on clearance everywhere, and stealthy student of commerce that I am (not), I've deduced that perhaps it's being discontinued. It's phenomenal.
2. Gatorade. I mix up the flavors. Right now I'm into yellow, because this "Lemon-Lime" quenches my thirst, ammeliorates the soreness in my sweet lil throat, and also reminds me, at a glance, of what urine looks like when you're not hydrated. I'm just being honest.
3. WATER. This one's been around awhile.
4. Decaffeinated coffee-preferably "Papa Nicholas"**, manufacturing of which I think is restricted to the Midwest. The Papa--he makes me so happy.
5. Orange Juice. I drank an entire carton two days ago. My gastrointestinal tract wasn't pleased, but I think I more than compensated for the fact that I couldn't locate any Vitamin C in the apartment.

III. Just a few things I'm unclear about:

What on earth is so seductive about gourmet popcorn that you'd stand in a line like this in 90+ degree weather in order to procure yourself a bag?

Why nobody on Ebay has snatched up the opportunity to own brand new Waterford crystal goblets. My Vermont assistant is a total Ebay veteran, and I trust his discretion with pricing and listing completely. I'm also pretty proud of the work my camera phone did here. Seriously though, don't people who like this kind of fancy stuff go nuts for it when it's significantly discounted?

Dude, I Windex'ed each of those.

I even used PLEDGE on my coffeetable lest the setting be a reflection of the seller (that's me)'s cleanliness and moral fortitude.

Whether you know....that I own this cup.

I've never used it because I like my coffee scalding hot, and it's awkward in the microwave.

My mom gave it to me sort of as a joke, but something about Bill O'Reilly...sometimes I love what he says, other times I detest it. But the man has flourish. And gumption.

And an appetite for interns he really, really needs to curb.

He has some intelligent things to say, but my desire to hear them and really internalize them is sometimes eclipsed by my aversion to how impressed he is with himself.

My point? I own a Bill O'Reilly cup.

WHETHER YOU KNEW *JUST* HOW CUTE MAEVE IS.

Now you know.

Bel. Biv. Devoe.

If only she had some cheeks on her, huh?

IIII. This one isn't a list. It's a loose transcription of a conversation I had months ago with a girl I know very vaguely. Believe it or not she did most of the talking.

Background: We'd met about four times near the "Wilmette Warming Center". Those of you in Chicago probably know it seems unlikely that Wilmette would need a warming center, at least one designated for traditional purposes, but she explained the history to me. It's been around over forty years, and now has morphed into an after-school hangout spot where kids are encouraged to do their homework, etc. We talked about me doing some volunteering for her, etc. She has dogs that accompany her to work, and they like to kick it with Hugo at the dog park that's adjacent to the parking lot. That's how we met. Here's the convo.

Her: Hey, Lisa.

Me: Hey!

Her: So, this is kinda weird but I almost think I saw you driving the other day. But it couldn't have been you.

Me: Why would that be weird? Why couldn't it have been me?

Her: Oh, I just assumed you walk Hugo over since you live so nearby.

Me: Generally I do, but a lot of times I take kind of an all or nothing approach to errands and throw everything into the vehicle, including him, and the end reward is a trip to "the park", so yeah, I do drive here sometimes I suppose.

Her: Oh.

Me: Um. Why?

Her: Oh nothing. It's just. I, I'd wondered whose Murano that was. I guess I should've known, what with the anti-dog fighting bumper sticker and stuff.

Me: Yeah. . .haha, of course that'd be me, huh! 

Now she sits down on the curb and starts kind of awkwardly playing with the gravel at her feet, won't meet my eyes.

Her: So, wait. This totally confuses me. You're a REPUBLICAN?

Me: Haha, yup.

Her: And you, like, support the military? Like you're an actual Republican?

Me: Yes. I'm conservative for the most part, definitely. And yeah, I absolutely, unequivocally support our military.

Her: WHOA. I seriously was like "That can NOT be Lisa's car, because, like, she's SO COOL, and so sweet, and like, so funny and stuff, and so, like generous with her time--I just--sorry I know this might seem rude but I can't like get OVER it.

Me: (silent).

Her: Like, you're into dog rescue and I know you work with disabled people and you're so NICE. And you seemed* so intelligent. I'm just, I guess I know I'm babbling but I'm kind of in shock; it's happened a few times before, I've met someone who's really cool, and grown to like them, and then learned that they're not liberal. But they're usually from really wealthy families and just don't know any better. I just don't get it, I guess....So, you, like actually put that "Proud Republican Still 2009" on your bumper?

Me: Yeah. Car didn't come that way. (attempted joke). I consider myself an issue by issue kind of gal; there are certainly things the GOP does or endorses that I disagree with, and vice versa the Dems, but net net, I come down a conservative, my ideals align most often with those, so...yeah.

Her:  Right. Well, I'm a Democrat. I guess there are some decent Republicans.

*Yes she actually said "seemed" in the past tense.

Whoa. Sorry to blow your mind.

V. Oversights! A few texts I forgot to include in the previous post. . .

1. "Give me a word or phrase to work into this upcoming sermon. I will accept the dare. Ask S. or L.-I have a history of saying wildly inappropriate things from the pulpit.

2. " That jetski is NOT a toy."

3. "(ice ice baby)"

4. "Chocolate?"

VI. Stuff From Others I'd Like to Share With You

This first one could be more accurately described as something Amanda has implored me to post. It's a photo she texted the other day of an alien. That's right.

It came without a caption.

It's staying that way.

Secondly, and this is really really important,: One of my (other) best friend's, Anne, has learned her brother in law has stage 4 lymphoma. He's in his mid 30's; he and his wife (Anne's older sister) have three adorable kids. Anne's participating in "Light the Night"--I know we're inundated with requests for support for every conceivable thing, but this is truly important to me. I didn't have much to give, but the cool thing about this site is it gives you the opportunity to see how the money you give is used, in a measurable, quantifiable way. Here's the link:

http://pages.lightthenight.org/il/NShore10/ACrockford

** If you stuck with this post long enough to make it here, there's a reward! If you're outside of the immediate Chicagoland area, and have not enjoyed the liquid gold that is Papa Nicholas coffee, the packets are $1/serving right now. Leave me your name and address, and when I purchase the mammoth, honking bag of it tote to VT, I'll mail you one.

I'm a cold-hearted Republican.

Who does sweet stuff like that.

Weird.

Reconcile that.